Broadway Show Down
by Walter Bryan Cranston White
Summary: Kenny wants to recreate the best death he ever had. So he decides to take his girlfriend Tammy to a broadway musical


School Cafeteria.

Cartman: Why did you exactly vote her in?

Kyle: Because she was better than everyone.

Cartman: You could've voted for Turd Crusher.

Stan: Guys can we stop arguing and discuss what I should do with Wendy for her birthday?

Cartman: Why should we help you out?

Stan: Because I wanna give her something special and I need advice.

Kyle: Maybe you could give her jewellery.

Stan: Too cliched.

Token: Take her to see a movie.

Stan: Token how is that a gift?

Kenny: Fuck her?

Stan: Kenny she's gonna be 10 not 17.

Butters: Maybe you could take her to a broadway show.

Stan: A broadway show?

Butters: Yeah.

Stan: Well Wendy has said she always wanted to see a broadway show but aren't they expensive?

Token: Stan, since you're my friend, how about I send you some money?

Stan: You sure you wanna blow some of your money on broadway tickets just for me?

Token: Or maybe I could giveaway some broadway tickets I had.

Stan: Really?

Token: Yeah. I was gonna take Nichole to see a broadway show called Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street in a couple of weeks on Saturday, but turned out she and her family are gonna go to California to visit her grandmother.

Stan: Token. You are a lifesaver. Thank you.

Token: Don't forget you owe me.

Stan: I'll pay you back somehow.

The next day.

Testaburger residence.

Wendy was just having a small party at her house with her family and friends.

Everyone: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Wendy, happy birthday to you.

Wendy blew out her candles.

Wendy: Thank you all for coming especially you Stan.

Stan: Well I think I got you the best gift.

Wendy: What is it Stan?

Stan: Just open it.

Wendy opened the box.

Wendy: Oh my God Stan!

Stan: Thought you'd like it.

Wendy: How did you afford them?

Stan: I have my ways.

Wendy: Oh Stan.

Wendy hugged Stan and Stan hugged back.

Wendy: I love you so much.

Bebe: I wish I had a boyfriend like Stan. My ex boyfriend would just leave his underwear in my house every time he slept over.

Wendy: I didn't really need to know that Bebe.

2 weeks later.

Tegridy Farms.

Stan was getting ready for the night.

Sharon: Oh Stan. You look so smart.

Stan: Thanks Mom.

Sharon: I wish Randy could see it, but he'd RATHER GET HIGH WITH A TALKING TOWEL!

Towelie: You're a towel bitch.

There was a knock on the door.

Stan: That must be Wendy's parents. Catch you later Mom.

Sharon: Alright sweetie. Enjoy the show.

Stan left.

Randy exited a room.

Randy: Hey, hey, hey, Sharon. Do you wanna come in here and let Towelie wrap himself onto someone else but me?

Sharon: No Randy.

Randy: Alright. Hey Stan. Get your Dad a beer...Stan?

Sharon: He went to a broadway show with his girlfriend. Do you listen to what he says?

Randy: Broadway Show?

Sharon: Yeah.

Randy: Broadway Show?!

Sharon: Yes. Is there a problem?

Randy: Yeah.

Sharon: Well what is it?

Randy: Broadway shows are for queers.

Randy started to laugh.

Sharon: Randy! For fuck sake! He's doing it for his girlfriend!

After the show.

Stan: Did you enjoy the show Wendy?

Wendy: Stan, I love that you did this for me. You're the best.

Wendy started kissing Stan, she pushed him up against a wall.

Stan: Whoah. Slow down tiger.

Wendy: You gave me the best gift Stan, I think you deserve a little treat.

Wendy than bent down to her knees.

Monday.

South Park Elementary.

Cartman: So than, I sabotaged Heidi's food with laxatives and she crapped herself right in front of Khal.

Cartman started laughing.

Kyle: Well, thanks a lot Cartman, because of you my date was ruined.

Cartman continued laughing.

Cartman: Come on Khal. Have a laugh.

Stan showed up.

Stan: Hey guys.

Kyle: Hey Stan. How did it go?

Stan: It went great guys.

Kenny: Really, you enjoyed a faggy Broadway Show?

Stan: Yeah! It was actually really good. I mean the songs were just amazing.

Butters: Uh Oh! Stan's turned into Queermo.

Bridon than walked past.

Bridon: See What you did Cartman?

Cartman: Than change your last name into something that doesn't rhyme with queermo, Queermo.

Stan: And than the strangest thing happened.

Kyle: What?

Stan: After show Wendy started kissing me and pushed my back against the wall.

Jimmy: W-w-What's weird about that?

Stan: I'm getting to the important part. And than she went to her knees and gave me a BJ.

The boys stopped eating.

Token: What?

Stan: Wendy gave me a BJ.

Clyde: You lucky bastard.

Stan: Come on guys. It happens everyday.

Jimmy: But-but. You had a blow job. Y-y-you're awesome Stan.

Craig walked past.

Craig: You are the luckiest boy in school. If I could get a blow job from Tweek, than I would be so happy.

Cartman: Yeah Craig give more inspiration to those FanFiction users. Stop writing that down Red!

Red stopped writing.

Kenny: Why are you guys praising Stan? I've had a blow job too and mine was killer.

Cartman: Yeah. That's what they all say about blow jobs.

Stan: Again guys. It's not a big deal.

Kenny: Oh for fuck sake! When I told you guys I had a blow job, you didn't believe me at all.

Butters: All hail Stan!

Cartman, Jimmy, Token, Butters and Clyde start worshipping Stan.

Cartman, Jimmy, Token, Butters and Clyde: All hail Stan! All hail Stan! All hail Stan!

Stan: Enough guys come on!

Kenny left the cafeteria and walked down the hallway.

Kenny stood by the wall moaning.

Than his girlfriend Tammy Warner walked up to him.

Tammy: Hey Ken.

Kenny: Hey Tammy.

Tammy: You seem down Kenny. Is there something wrong?

Kenny: No.

Tammy: You sure Ken?

Kenny: I'm sure.

Tammy: Anyway I wanted to talk to you.

Kenny: About what?

Tammy: About our anniversary.

Kenny: Huh?

Tammy: Ken. It's almost been two months since we've gotten back together and I really wanna do something for our special day.

Kenny: Like what?

Tammy: Oh. I don't know. Maybe you could try and get me some jewellery. I mean let's face it we're too poor to do something special together.

Kenny: No No! I could try and get us tickets for a broadway show.

Tammy: A broadway show?

Kenny: I know you've been wanting to see one for a while.

Tammy: Ken. I mean you could try and afford one, but I doubt you'd be able to have enough money for the both of us.

Kenny: Trust me honey I will.

Tammy: If not. Could we at least see a romantic movie together?

Kenny: Ok.

Later.

Kenny: Hey Cartman.

Cartman: Oh. Hey poor boy. Are you planning something special for your anniversary?

Kenny: Yeah. I really wanna take her to a broadway show.

Cartman: A broadway show? You're too poor to afford one.

Kenny: I know. But I really wanna recreate a special moment in mine and Tammy's life. I wanna get killed by a blow job again.

Cartman: Huh?

Kenny: It was the best death I ever experienced Cartman. Oh yeah. You don't know I die a lot.

Cartman: Are you sniffing cat piss again?

Kenny: No! Although I did try some weed the other day. Wasn't as good as Mr Marsh made it out to be.

Cartman: How will you afford a broadway show?

Kenny: I'll find a way.

Tegridy Farms.

Randy: I'm surprised you want to work for me Kenny.

Kenny: I just wanna work for you until I can afford something special for mine and my girlfriend's anniversary.

Randy: Aww that's sweet. And what is it?

Kenny: A broadway show.

Randy: A broadway show?!

Kenny: Yeah.

Randy: Kenny, you can't work for me.

Kenny: What? Why the fuck not?

Randy: Because you're too young to work in the weed business.

Kenny: But you're letting Stan cook some weed.

Stan: I wouldn't recommend it Kenny.

Randy: Well he's my son and I'm paying him for it.

Stan: No you're not.

Randy: I'm paying you in weed.

Stan: How many times do I have to tell you Dad? I don't wanna get high.

Randy: Stan. You're fired.

Stan: Good.

Stan left.

Randy: Why do you even want to go to a broadway show anyway?

Kenny: None of your business.

Randy: It's because of the blow jobs isn't it?

Kenny sighed.

Kenny: Yeah.

Randy: Well you're too young to have a blow job Kenny. So the answer is no.

Kenny: This is fucking bullshit! You allowed Stan to go and see a broadway show with his girlfriend and he got a blow job!

Randy: What did you say?

Kenny: I said Stan got a blow job from his girlfriend.

Randy sat there in shock.

Kenny: Screw you Mr Marsh I'm going home.

Kenny left the barn.

As Kenny left, he heard a voice.

Towelie: Hey kid. You want money?

Kenny: Yeah.

Towelie: How about I give you a special task to do and I could give you 1000 dollars?

Kenny: Keep talking.

Towelie: Alright I'll give you the 1000 dollars if you watch 2001 A Space Odyssey with me.

Kenny: Really?

3 hours later.

Towelie: Alright, here's the 1000 dollars kid.

Kenny just stood there confused.

Towelie: What?

Kenny: I thought the task was gonna be hard.

Towelie: Sitting through 2001 A Space Odyssey is difficult, you fall asleep half way through.

Kenny: Are you high?

Towelie: Yeah I'm fucked up.

Kenny: Ok. Thanks Towelie. Blow job here I come!

Meanwhile.

Randy went to Stan's room and knocked on his door.

Randy: Hey son. Can I talk?

Stan: If you're gonna ask me to come back to your business. No.

Randy: That's not what I wanna talk about.

Randy closes the door.

Randy: Stan, is it true that your girlfriend gave you a blow job?

Stan sighed.

Stan: Yeah.

Randy: Was it at a broadway show?

Stan: Yes.

Randy: Was it after the show?

Stan: Dad! What are you trying to get to?

Randy: Son, it's about time I tell you the secret about broadway. In a broadway show there's some subtle subtext about giving men blow jobs. If you listen close you can actually hear the singers mention blow jobs.

Stan: I did hear the singers say "Blow Jobs" I thought I was mishearing things.

Randy: Well son, you didn't.

Stan: But how come Wendy didn't hear it.

Randy: Because she was probably hypnotised by the songs and the set design.

Stan: Yeah, they were pretty impressive.

Randy: I only took your Mom to those broadway shows in New York that weekend was because I had a blow job from your Mom after I saw Wicked with her and all those blow jobs in one weekend were amazing Stan. I mean every time the show ended she would keep giving blow job after blow job and they were-

Stan: Dad! Enough!

Randy: Sorry, back to the story. I had a similar incident happen with your sister and Larry Feegan. I was scared that Shelly was gonna give him a blow job, so I sabotaged the show. I dressed like Spider-Man and accidentally caused the theatre to flood. And it caused the death of Larry.

Stan: You killed him?

Shelly: You killed Larry!

Randy: Now Shelly, let me explain.

Shelly: You murdered Larry!

Shelly threw a shoe at Randy.

Randy: Ow! Could you just hurt your brother?

Shelly: No! Because he didn't kill the only boy who ever liked me as a person.

Randy: Your brother got a blow job after his broadway experience.

Stan: Dad!

Shelly throws a vase at Stan.

Stan: Ow! What was that for?

Shelly: Because I felt like it turd!

Randy: Shelly I-

Shelly: I wish I wasn't your daughter!

Shelly left.

Randy: I wish I could've stopped you Stan. But I was too high to listen.

Stan: Although, I have to admit it was pretty awesome.

Randy: Yeah. They are awesome. You're growing up Stan, you're growing up.

1 week later.

Randy was watching TV with Sharon.

Randy: Sharon. Am I a bad person?

Sharon: No.

Randy: I kind of told Shelly I killed Larry and she's been giving me murderous glares for a while.

Sharon: Did you tell her on purpose or accident?

Randy: Accident. I was telling Stan, something else and I just kind of spurted it out.

Sharon: Well, you're an idiot. But you're not a bad person.

Randy: Thanks Sharon.

Suddenly Stan burst in.

Stan: Dad! Kenny's going to see a broadway show with his girlfriend!

Randy: What!?

Stan: Kenny's going to see a broadway show with his girlfriend!

Randy: What?! Did you try and talk him out of it!?

Stan: I did! But he just told me he was sick of me getting all the praise from the guys!

Sharon: What's going on? And what are you getting praised for Stanley?

Randy: Sharon! The reason why Stan's getting all the praise from his friends is because he got a blow job from his girlfriend.

Sharon: What?!

Randy: But it was at a broadway show

Sharon: Oh my God! Why didn't I try and stop him?

Randy: That's a good question, why didn't you try and stop him?

Sharon: I don't know! I guess I forgot about it the last time. Stan did you know it was gonna happen?

Stan: No! It just happened!

Randy: We have to stop Kenny! Stan, what's the name of the show?

Stan: I don't know, he didn't say.

Sharon: But how did he afford it?

Stan: He said he just watched 2001 A Space Odyssey with Towelie and he just gave him 1000 dollars.

Randy: Oh my God! I'll kill Towelie later!

Towelie: You can't kill me, I'm a towel.

Randy: We gotta find out what show he's seeing. Come on Stan!

McCormick residence.

Stuart and Carol were sharing a joint.

Carol: Hey let me have a go.

Stuart: No bitch!

Carol: We're sharing it Stuart.

Stuart: No!

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

Stuart: Fetch.

Stuart threw the joint.

Stuart answered the door.

Randy: Stuart! I need to know what show your son is seeing.

Stuart: Why?

Randy: There's no time!

Stuart: He went to see The Book of Mormon with his girlfriend.

Randy: That show made by the same bastards who made the most controversial TV show of all time. BASEketball. The animated series.

Stuart: I think so.

Randy: Oh. That explains everything!

Stuart: Why? Is my son in danger?

Randy: Well my son thinks he only took his girlfriend to a broadway show so he could get a blow job from her.

Stuart: What do broadway shows have to do with blow jobs?

Randy: There's some subtle messaging that tells women to give men more blow jobs.

Stuart: Really? Could you give me money so I could take my wife to see a broadway Show?

Randy: No!

Stuart: Come on Randy! I'm pretty sure you took your wife to some.

Randy: I took her to a lot of shows.

Stuart: Oh. It must've been blow job heaven for you?

Randy: It was.

Stan: Come on! We have to stop Kenny from getting a blow job from Tammy.

Stuart: Tammy!? Aww shit!

Stuart entered the car.

Stuart: Drive! Drive! Drive!

3 minutes later.

Later, Randy was driving as fast as he could.

Stuart: Drive faster Randy!

Randy: Why are we rushing?

Stuart: Because Kenny's girlfriend has syphilis!

Randy: What?! How do you know?

Stuart: It doesn't matter how I know.

Randy: I guess you're right.

Stuart: We have to move faster!

45 minutes later.

They park up at the theatre.

They enter the theatre.

Stuart: Kenny? Kenny?

The enter the stage where the show is being held.

Randy: The shows not over good.

Stuart: Kenny!

Stan: Kenny!

Randy: Kenny!

They look around for a few more minutes but they were kicked out by security.

Stuart: No! No! I have to save my son.

Security: Why?

Stuart: Because he's gonna die of syphilis if I don't do anything!

Security: Yeah right!

Stuart: Wait!

The security guard closed the door shut.

Stuart: No! No! No! No! No!

Stan: We're too late, Kenny's dead.

Kenny: What the hell are you talking about?

They turn around to see Kenny with Tammy.

Stuart ran to Kenny and hugged him.

Stuart: You're alive! You're alive! Did you get a blow job from her?

Tammy: What?! Why the hell would you ask that?

Stuart: Doesn't matter. Did you get a blow job Kenny?

Kenny: No! Because broadway shows are really fucking boring.

Tammy: Yeah. They weren't as epic as people made them out to be so we just left. But Ken got me something better for our anniversary.

Tammy showed Stuart a bracelet with her's and Kenny's initials on it.

Stuart: Oh Thank God.

Randy: Well, since I'm here. Do you guys need a lift?

Kenny: Yeah sure.

They were about to enter the car.

Kenny than nudged Stan.

Kenny (Whispering): Although I did get something better.

Stan: What?

Kenny than pointed at his hand.

Stan: Huh?

Kenny: I'm the first student at our table who's been lent a hand. Eh?

Kenny than nudged Stan.

Kenny: Come on let's get the fuck out of here.

Stan than paused for a second.

Than he came to a realisation.

Stan: Oh I get it.


End file.
